“You looked fit, and I thought you were a playa.” “Really? But… I didn’t say I was a playa in my profile.” As we settled down, I asked why she’d messaged me. We went to a wine bar adjacent to the station, and I ordered us two glasses of red. On another occasion, I went on a first date with a white divorcee who lived in the commuter belt outside London. She told me, without embarrassment, that sex with a black man was on her bucket list, alongside other post-divorce “experiences” such as trekking in Nepal and zip-lining in Costa Rica. I was messaged by one divorced woman with two children who had never dated a black man and explained that she was “trying something new” by connecting with me. Whenever I mentioned that I was looking for a relationship rather than casual sex, this was met with surprise, as if I was going against type: You want love? What kind of black man are you? Anger doesn’t play well on a first date and 'angry black man' is another stereotype I have to negotiate While I could understand that some people hadn’t put as much thought into the practicalities of dating, I was shocked by the number of encounters I had with women who expressed racist views. “Can’t we just start with coffee?” I joked. Another woman slowly revealed that she was six months pregnant with a sperm donor baby, and was looking for a boyfriend who would also be a father. I didn’t understand why she’d swiped right on me: there was no way I could pop up there for a coconut cappuccino. I was contacted by a woman in her 40s with two young children who lived in Aberdeen. I thought clarity would help, but many of my matches ignored my A&L. Wordless profiles I generally swipe left. Would love to hear from you if your values are emotional and spiritual, rather than material ideally slim, fit, healthy, tallish, smart, funny, non-smoker, living in London. I am short-sighted too, so you will look great for ever. This was my Tinder profile:Ħ ft 1in, made in Nigeria, born in London got a big-mouthed smile wider than Julia Roberts’ into sports, the arts and walking in nature under big skies. Armed with these parameters, I revised all my online dating bios. There was a sense that I was in the middle of someone else’s hurricane. Meanwhile, in the background, her ex was still arguing with her over the children’s school and other emotional residues of their divorce. I was expected to fill that role, even though I have my own son. I once dated someone with two children under 10, who only saw their father every other weekend. The list might seem cold and unromantic, but so is swiping the faces of strangers on a phone. How tricky is your ex, and will I have to deal with him? Will I play a surrogate role with your kids? How much will it cost to get there and back? Who will do the travelling when we meet ? In my head, I invented an A&L questionnaire, with questions such as: As a fiftysomething single person, the most critical factor in evaluating a potential new partner was availability and logistics: A&L, as I call it. Many lived outside London and were struggling to find the time to accommodate the romance they were looking for. The majority of single women within my age range were divorced professionals who were juggling demanding jobs, young children and perpetual exhaustion. I decided to be more considered in my approach. One woman messaged me and simply said, “Hey.” I thought there was a problem with the text, so I waited for the rest of the conversation to arrive. I was terrified by the sheer volume of people, all corralled together like items in a vending machine.
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